It takes years to recover from being with an angry, passive-aggressive person who bullies and gives you silent treatment. I had at least one in my life for over 42 years – it was my constant and only compass for how to live my life.
Once out of these relationships, most people think you should feel liberated and open to taking on new adventures. The truth is – I was anxious, scared and disoriented. I didn’t have a compass anymore.
Why couldn’t I just open up my home for potlucks? Why am I not open to socializing? Encouragement from well-meaning friends, felt uncomfortable, pushy, and triggering, even though they weren’t necessarily doing anything wrong. They didn’t understand why I was being anti-social at the time and neither did I.
In hindsight, I realized I had to figure out my boundaries and how I wanted to be treated before I let people back into my life. My discomfort came because I didn’t know how to say “no” and I’d been used to giving in because I had been worn down by passive-aggressive treatment. I feared not doing what others wanted and then being punished for it with anger or silent treatment. But I didn’t want to live in fear anymore. I needed to assert my boundaries on my terms. I needed to develop my own compass and use it.
I know this led to some friends falling away. I’ve had to learn to be okay with the losses (which engages a whole other process of grieving). Someone once told me, “For those who love you, no explanation is necessary. For those that don’t love you, no explanation is ever enough.
I have my compass now. I’ve been living for 10 years, mostly free of controlling relationships. I’m way healthier than I was, but the trauma never quite goes away. I actually don’t think there is any kind of full recovery. I often deal with triggers, because other people haven’t managed their own demons of anger and abusive tactics.
I guess I’m writing this for the friends of people who have been in abusive relationships. The best gift you can give them is your patience, understanding, and support as they seek to find their compass, on their terms, for probably the first time in their life.
[DISCLAIMER – I am sharing not because of any ill-intent towards anyone or to cause harm. I want people to understand how and why someone might find themselves in difficult relationships and the work it takes to grow and recover]
Spiritual Sandwich 